Life is full of unknowns. So many question that only raise more questions. when i thought i knew an answer i was humbled into more unknown. life cannot be put together like a puzzle. The pieces always change as does the picture. every moment is different, every person a constantly changing element. i dont know the point of it all. but i know every person i have met is part of my life in some way. like balls on a pool table bump each other and instantly alter their direction, we bump into each other, for a couple seconds or a couple decades, changing our mood or life path. i never want to be a person who nudges someone towards a bad place.
There’s a very thin line between humbling and depressing.
I’ve come to the conclusion that one of the best testaments to the good in humanity is the amount of unintelligent people who have been able to go far in life.
The last couple of years have taught me to not freak out (as much). I’ve come to realize the good things that happen in life among the bad. Could be weeks, months, or years, but it works out. Even the really really bad parts balance out with good and it’s okay. I’m beginning to feel a bit calmer going through this obstacle course called life.
When I got out of college I thought I was pretty badass. Turns out, everyone thinks their badass and want me to do what they say.
It’s surprising how many people party hard. What a luxury to have that option with your body. To choose to destroy it. Then when you get older, you do what you can to keep it from falling apart. Doesn’t make any sense. But since when has human motivation made sense.
I look forward to being sick with a cold or the flu. People understand. For years I haven’t tried to make myself look better. I let myself look sick. For someone with an invisible illness, a debilitating pain disease throughout my body which I deal with on a daily basis, it’s a good thing to look sick.
Having a chronic pain and fatigue condition from early teens to my currant age of 26, feels like I am an old and rusty carriage among 4-8 cylinder-engine cars but I look like one of them. It’s like waking up every morning with the tiredness and aches of having a cold. Sometimes I feel okay, but it swings and sways. I can’t predict it, I just expect to not get better anytime soon. I have felt unusually fatigued for the past month. A whole month is a long time for me, usually it’s 1-2 weeks. The couch has been my best friend exactly since my birthday on 9/4. I am tired and hurting. What is going on? I know what you, general advice voice, is going to say, get better sleep, eat better, don’t drink or smoke, drink lots of water, exercise, be social to keep depression at bay. But there’s a missing step. A step from where I am right now to those normal-person things. Something that takes me from this apathetic, painful, tired, unmotivated, slightly depressed, emotional, socially introverted, it hurts to move and be touched place; to the Just Do It, Lululemon-clothed, latte-drinking, adrenaline trail-jogging, gym-membershipping, nearly everyday hair-washing and shaving, place.
I’m tired of not being the best version of myself.
I’m the worried and stressed out but still pushes to do a good job, still tries to have bits of fun, has lots of bad days, still tries to keep going while life falls apart version of myself.
I never thought it would be this difficult to get a job. I’ve sent out so many resumes and cover letters… Money has won over health as my number one stresser.
What am I like when I don’t have this massive burdan on my shoulders? I want to see my life work out. I would love to see what it’s like when I can easily pay my bills, have a steady unobtrusive job, work on making my chronic issues better, and continue to have a nice relationship with the man I love. Those four things… I have one and a half of those four things. At least I have one and a half.
When I mentioned I took a 6am yoga class as I started going to the gym, you might have wondered if I could keep it up.
I went again at the start of the week. Unfortunately I didn’t like that teacher’s style. I will not go back to that class. That means there’s only one other 6am class to go to. Once a week is fine as long as I go to other classes too so that I exercise multiple times a week.
I had a one-day flare up this week which stopped me from going to a class I planned on going to. I was feeling really bad. It was a tough day. Lots of bursting into tears. BUT I learned how much a hot bath makes my muscles and nerves feel better. I have taken baths while in pain before, but this time it really helped.
The flare was triggered by stress and then made worse by more stress and then made worse by cold weather. I’m kind of shocked it only lasted a day. Since it was so short, I felt like I had more time to do things in the week. I’m not sure why it made me feel that way. Maybe I was expecting to be out of order for the rest of the week, but when I wasn’t I felt wealthy with time.
After last week’s sleeplessness, my sleep went back to being more restful! Though I’m staying up late tonight because of stress. I’m starting to feel good about sleep. I’m feeling inklings of trust towards it again.