Head/Face Pain and The Emotional Rollercoaster of Physical Pain

Hurting feels bad. When we hurt, naturally we can conclude we did something to ourselves, or someone did something to us to make us hurt. Damage has been done and hurting is a result. But when there is no one at fault, why is there pain? When there is no one who caused the pain, and I’m suffering, I get sad.

Intellectually I understand I have a condition which at this point gives me these answers to my pain; 1) Extreme sensitivity to pain, small pains can be debilitatingly big. 2) There is a pain-processing issue in the brain, where non-painful sensations can hurt. 3) Unknown reason yet to be discovered. I don’t know the reason why I hurt, but I do know, chronic pain causes an emotional rollercoaster.

Yesterday afternoon, we went for a dip in our apartment’s pool. Temperatures were in the nineties, it was sunny, dry, and hot. I felt pretty good and I was having a fun weekend with my man. We also did some socializing with our new friends on Friday.

I walked out of the pool and began squeezing water out of my short hair. That’s when it first hit. A sharp shooting stabbing nerve pain in my head. And just like that it was gone, I was ok. While my thoughts reeled to wrap my mind around what just happened, it hit again! From then on, it went back and forth like that. Striking randomly, but consistently in the same areas and same intensity. It was level 10 pain that lasted for a second or two. It is like the nerve pain of a tooth in need of a root canal, which I have experienced.

From 4pm yesterday, to right now about 9am, this nerve pain has taken me hostage. It evolved to a worse pain though. Now, I feel it in my cheek, my ear, and the front-top-right of my head. Yesterday it only struck in the right-top of my head. Now, it’s traveling. My entire ear and cheek feel super sensitive to the touch. This really fucking hurts! It came out of nowhere. Today is gone. Today is now a sick day and I can’t do anything. I’m surprised I am able to get this blog post out. I don’t have an appetite.

I had such a happy day yesterday. But in the evening, I sat in my livingroom super sad while being stabbed in the head by an invisible monster.

Sidenote: I have had this pain before. Believe me, it can be a lot worse. I used to get it nearly every day and night. It would make me cry it hurt so much. The time between the stabbing was shorter. In addition, there was a constant throbbing pain on the skin of my face. There was also shooting nerve pain across my face, etc. Covering the right side of my face and head with topical lidocaine gel helped a little. That was 3 years ago. There are some pains so bad my painkillers hardly did/do a thing.

Back to the sadness I mentioned earlier. I have come to realize some of the layers of having chronic pain. There’s 1) the physical pain, and 2) the emotional rollercoaster.

For instance, yesterday I felt happy, I planned, I thought ahead, I enjoyed the moment. Then the pain hit, I felt sad, hopeless, frustrated, helpless, victimized, a disappointment, mad, unable to be there for the one I love, scared.

Scared because… What if I have a job booked, and on that day I get a pain like this? What if my condition gets worse and my man’s needs are consistently neglected. What if I don’t get better and never have kids. What if I have kids but I get worse because of it (and those kids don’t have the mom they deserve). What if the pain keeps me broke and in debt for the rest of my life. What if I end up addicted to painkillers. I can go on, but I won’t.

I read about ways to cope with chronic pain/FM. They say, distract yourself from the pain. Watch the best parts of the funnest movie you love. Watch compilation videos of laughing babies on YouTube. Reach out to a friend.  Do something you love. These are distractions, not cures. These are ways to keep yourself from being overwhelmed by chronic pain induced depression. But the non-cure distractions might be a “cure” for the emotional rollercoaster.

The emotional part of this condition is what determines my quality of life. It’s the difference between the sick person I want to be, and the sick person I don’t want to be.

I’m Back

Hello!

 

Two years and 6 months later I am writing on this blog again. The self reflection and community support continued to help me long after I stopped writing. I still think about some of the other blogs I read and the insight I gained from this powerful community. I have wondered how everyone was doing in their lives…

Now I am in a place of transition again, it feels right to come back and keep writing. What will be different this time? My health is in a different state and so is my mental health. I will be writing more about depression and making peace with my past and my health problems (chronic pain).

I am so glad I started this blog in 2011. I have dubbed it my “hell year.” With this blog, I can see how far I have come since that horrible time.

There is so much to say, I feel jumbled trying to get it all out. I will update my “About” page to reflect my new intentions for this blog. Since this is the first post in two and a half years, I will share some current facts about me to get you updated.

I am 28 years old (was 24 when I started this blog).

I will be getting married this summer (to the same man I was with when I started this blog).

We just moved 1-2 hours away from everyone we know.

My biggest priority is my health; I have Fibromyalgia and fatigue. Life is complicated with an illness.

I left my jobs and am working as a photographer for myself.

My biggest stressers are: Money, money, money, health, work. In that order.

Before, my intention was to learn how to share and express my painful conditions with others. I have done that pretty well in the last couple of years. Everyone in my life that should know, knows what I have. How much they care about it and how they react to it, varies. That is one of biggest differences between now and when I started this blog. That will be a post onto itself.

A big part of my life right now, is learning to be present without feeling the need to prove anything. Making peace with myself. That is definitely a post onto itself.

I am learning how to be happy.

 

I’m glad to be back! I look forward to sharing more and connecting with others.

 

Changing Puzzle Pieces of Life

Life is full of unknowns. So many question that only raise more questions. when i thought i knew an answer i was humbled into more unknown. life cannot be put together like a puzzle. The pieces always change as does the picture. every moment is different, every person a constantly changing element. i dont know the point of it all. but i know every person i have met is part of my life in some way. like balls on a pool table bump each other and instantly alter their direction, we bump into each other, for a  couple seconds or a couple decades, changing our mood or life path. i never want to be a person who nudges someone towards a bad place.

Thin Line

There’s a very thin line between humbling and depressing.

The Good In Humanity

I’ve come to the conclusion that one of the best testaments to the good in humanity is the amount of unintelligent people who have been able to go far in life.

Life. The Obstacle Course.

The last couple of years have taught me to not freak out (as much). I’ve come to realize the good things that happen in life among the bad. Could be weeks, months, or years, but it works out. Even the really really bad parts balance out with good and it’s okay. I’m beginning to feel a bit calmer going through this obstacle course called life.

I Thought I Was Badass

When I got out of college I thought I was pretty badass. Turns out, everyone thinks their badass and want me to do what they say.

Human Nature to Destroy

It’s surprising how many people party hard. What a luxury to have that option with your body. To choose to destroy it. Then when you get older, you do what you can to keep it from falling apart. Doesn’t make any sense. But since when has human motivation made sense.

It’s Good To Look Sick

I look forward to being sick with a cold or the flu. People understand. For years I haven’t tried to make myself look better. I let myself look sick. For someone with an invisible illness, a debilitating pain disease throughout my body which I deal with on a daily basis, it’s a good thing to look sick.

Month Long Tiredness & Hurts

Having a chronic pain and fatigue condition from early teens to my currant age of 26, feels like I am an old and rusty carriage among 4-8 cylinder-engine cars but I look like one of them. It’s like waking up every morning with the tiredness and aches of having a cold. Sometimes I feel okay, but it swings and sways. I can’t predict it, I just expect to not get better anytime soon. I have felt unusually fatigued for the past month. A whole month is a long time for me, usually it’s 1-2 weeks. The couch has been my best friend exactly since my birthday on 9/4. I am tired and hurting. What is going on? I know what you, general advice voice, is going to say, get better sleep, eat better, don’t drink or smoke, drink lots of water, exercise, be social to keep depression at bay. But there’s a missing step. A step from where I am right now to those normal-person things. Something that takes me from this apathetic, painful, tired, unmotivated, slightly depressed, emotional, socially introverted, it hurts to move and be touched place; to the Just Do It, Lululemon-clothed, latte-drinking, adrenaline trail-jogging, gym-membershipping, nearly everyday hair-washing and shaving, place.

There is a missing step. See, I can’t just jump that huge distance from here to there. I can’t seem to find that step.

As much as I’d like to take better care of myself, at the end of the day I usually fall into bed in my make up and drag the clothes off of me. But even then I can’t fall asleep without distracting my freaking-out brain with pinterest on my phone. I can count on one hand how often I’ve done the dishes, laundry, or cleaned in general, in the last month. My love works 50 hours a week, he’s tired but cooks the best food and cleans when it gets really messy. It really bothers me that I can’t be as good to him as he is to me. I work only 30-35 hours a week and I am exhausted. But you should see my “Home and Decorating” and “Recipes” boards on pinterest!